Let us all take a moment to reflect on the marriage of Tom Cruise and his partner and cult leader, David Miscavige. Perhaps now would be a good time to click the sci-ti tags to revisit our past romps with this lovely couple and their one true love (Xenu). Oh, uh yeah, and also there was that one girl with the blank face from Dawson’s Crick. No, not the one who cried all the time.
And not the one who turned out to be awesome and tragic at the same time. No, not Pacey Peter Bishop-Matelli either.
No, I’m talking about the one who pretended to be in love with a psychotic—L. Tom Hubbard—for publicity. Remember, she’s the one who didn’t have sex with her sham lovah but somehow ended up with a mysterious (and wicked not retarded; thanks Leah Remini) thetan test-tube baby, Suri. (You know Suri, she helps you on your iphone and may have a little antichrist in her?) I’M TALKING ABOUT KATIE HOLMES—HER, THIS ONE!! (No, jeez, the one without lifts in her loafers):
You guys are so silly, not even knowing who Katie Cruise is. Thank goodness I’m here to sort you out.
**Oh shit, I’m a dead agent for SURE now. All for some stupid (TRUE) jokes. I’m so scarrred. JAH PROTECT ME LIKE YOU DID WITH JONATHAN THAT ONE TIME (When he was being totally reckless in his car and endangering the lives of himself and others? You remember, surely? BTWs, good lookin’ out, JahDawg.)
Jah, in heaven, that day: Buh buh buh beeoohhh, what shall I do today for da rastaman? Save Jamaica from da World Bank? Divinely intervene in racial oppression? Tackle gun violence? NO! There is a young white prophet in Malibu I must protect from da sheriff, BOOIIII! Who else will lead the white masses to Rastafani if he is allowed to be punished by dese safety officers? *ZINNNNGG!*
Jahnathan, on earth, on the PCH: I felt Jah, guys! Really! NO, I’m not just saying that because I’ve been hitting a three-foot bong while driving 90 m.p.h., assholes. JAH RASTAFARI! ALL PRAISE BE TO JAH!
Anyway, here’s the touching article about this now tragic marriage/insemination plot started that Seth read on the show. (I would look up the episode, but I can’t since we’re locked out of the wiki. Anyone know?)