Posts Tagged: scientology


Let us all take a moment to reflect on the marriage of Tom Cruise and his partner and cult leader, David Miscavige. Perhaps now would be a good time to click the sci-ti tags to revisit our past romps with this lovely couple and their one true love (Xenu).  Oh, uh yeah, and also there was that one girl with the blank face from Dawson’s Crick. No, not the one who cried all the time.


And not the one who turned out to be awesome and tragic at the same time. No, not Pacey Peter Bishop-Matelli either.


No, I’m talking about the one who pretended to be in love with a psychotic—L. Tom Hubbard—for publicity. Remember, she’s the one who didn’t have sex with her sham lovah but somehow ended up with a mysterious (and wicked not retarded; thanks Leah Remini) thetan test-tube baby, Suri. (You know Suri, she helps you on your iphone and may have a little antichrist in her?) I’M TALKING ABOUT KATIE HOLMES—HER, THIS ONE!! (No, jeez, the one without lifts in her loafers): 

You guys are so silly, not even knowing who Katie Cruise is. Thank goodness I’m here to sort you out.

**Oh shit, I’m a dead agent for SURE now. All for some stupid (TRUE) jokes. I’m so scarrred. JAH PROTECT ME LIKE YOU DID WITH JONATHAN THAT ONE TIME (When he was being totally reckless in his car and endangering the lives of himself and others? You remember, surely? BTWs, good lookin’ out, JahDawg.)

Jah, in heaven, that day: Buh buh buh beeoohhh, what shall I do today for da rastaman? Save Jamaica from da World Bank? Divinely intervene in racial oppression? Tackle gun violence? NO! There is a young white prophet in Malibu I must protect from da sheriff, BOOIIII! Who else will lead the white masses to Rastafani if he is allowed to be punished by dese safety officers? *ZINNNNGG!*

Jahnathan, on earth, on the PCH: I felt Jah, guys! Really! NO, I’m not just saying that because I’ve been hitting a three-foot bong while driving 90 m.p.h., assholes. JAH RASTAFARI! ALL PRAISE BE TO JAH!

Anyway, here’s the touching article about this now tragic marriage/insemination plot started that Seth read on the show. (I would look up the episode, but I can’t since we’re locked out of the wiki. Anyone know?) 


Sparing No Expense, Tom and Katie Treat Their Families and Famous Friends to a Spectacular Affair in Italy, Complete with a Medieval Castle, Fireworks—and an Awww-Inspiring Suri

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When I visited L.A. to appear on Jeopardy! (July 12, CYLL), Seth and Jah Jonathan were, unfortunately but unsurprisingly, at a Scientology retreat at the Gold Base and couldn’t get away…literally. To relay their deep, deep regret and (still-lingering) sorrow about missing the chance to meet me personally, they sent Jeff—Seth’s great-grandson—as their representative. (Hey, guys, don’t think poorly of them: I understood completely. They had to get those thetans OUT, ew.)

Anyway, it was probably even better this way, since Jeff and I immediately became BFFers. We ate some lovely mixed greens together as we talked, laughed, and slapped each other. It was the best day of our lives. 

Jeffery Preston Romatelli, 2012

(Taken with instagram)


Lifers, if you haven’t dived into the SciTi wikihole or if you’re thinking, “Yeah yeah yeah, I’ve seen the South Park,” you’re SERIOUSLY missing out. I spent an amazing, thrilling, UYD-inspired week a few months back learning about Sea Orgs, Dead Agents, and Xenus, and my face still looks like this:

Seriously, have I ever steered you wrong? So grab a beer, spark a boom nail, and settle into your favorite armchair. You’re in for a treat.

Luckily, my entire journey through this terrifying world was documented through my readitlater app, so here we go (obvs this is only a taste—I do deeeep r’search, Seth-style).

  • First, the basics (your standard wikihole, stars signify cray-ness):**************

  • Second, the Tampa Bay Times did a truly masterful, Pulitzer-winning series of  exposés:

Scientology: The Truth Rundown, Part 1 of 3 in a special report on the Church of Scientology

Scientology: A smiling storefront, a darker interior

Leaving the Church of Scientology: a huge step

Lisa McPherson case: events leading to the death of Scientologist Lisa McPherson

Church of Scientology investigation gets worldwide response

  • And finally, other crazy shit:

Tom Cruise’s Favorite Toys Were Built For Free by Scientology Slaves

Defectors Recount Lives of Hard Work, Punishment

The unperson

  • From you:

Lulu’s World: I’ve been down the hole too. This is a great list! I’d just add “The Apostate” by Lawrence Wright from the New Yorker, which is a long read but amazing. It just got nominated for a National Magazine Award. 

It just took me a million years to link all those articles. Read one. If ANYONE decides to fall down my hole (wnky), please report back. Thank you very much.


How Marty Rathbun became the arch-enemy of L Ron Hubbard devotees

Michael Zamora

For 27 years, Marty Rathbun was a key player in the world’s most secretive religion – even mentoring top celebrities including Tom Cruise. Then he left, and things turned ugly…

The men who came for Marty Rathbun wore a kind of uniform: dark glasses, clipped facial hair, and light blue T-shirts. Each carried either a microphone, or a video camera. On their chests were pictures of a squirrel, upon which a photograph of Marty’s head had been crudely superimposed. Topping off the ensemble were black baseball caps with an embroidered slogan stitched in white above the peak. It proclaimed: ‘SQUIRREL BUSTERS’.

There were four of them, and they appeared around lunchtime on 18 April last year. Marty was making a sandwich in the kitchen of his home in Ingleside on the Bay, on the Gulf Coast of Texas. When he heard them knock, he grabbed a video camera kept on his sideboard for such an occasion. Then he turned it on to ‘record’ and proceeded to the front door.

There followed a brief altercation which, even by the standards of YouTube, where clips of what occurred were later posted, seems impossibly surreal. “Come on, Marty!” bellows the group’s middle-aged leader, who wears a camera on his head, “got anything to say?” Rathbun asks who he is. “I’m with Squirrel Buster Productions,” comes the reply. “I’m doing an investigation on you, and your squirrel technology.” Heated discussions ensue. “We’ll be here for weeks and weeks,” promises one of the men, after Marty orders them off his property. Another adds: “As long as it takes!”

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Um, what’s up? So I know politics isn’t a very big talking point on UYD (I guess there was that time Seth predicted Obama being elected two years before the election), but there’s some stuff going on here in ‘Merika that can’t be ignored.  

Things like a primary being held in FLORIDA! Hey Florida, how’s your crazy herda hadda primary? It looks like Newt Gingrich is going to take the gold - every time I look at him, his head is so round I can’t help but picture it on a baby’s body like some crazy Benjamin Buttons shit. 

And then there’s L.L. Bean catalogue model Mitt Romney who’s the GOP “do we have to?” candidate. Remember in 2008 when Mitt Romney ran for president? Neither do I. Maybe it’s because of this:

Seth: He’s [Mitt Romney] getting interviewed on Fox news and they’re talking about how they did some poll and no one wants to vote, no one will vote for a Mormon and like “how is this gonna affect you?”, so it was more “let’s get to know you” and they’re like, “what’s you favorite novel?” and he’s like  ”Umm, there’s this book called ‘Battlefield Earth’ by L. Ron Hubbard.” Hey dude, you’re trying to get people to vote for you…

-Episode 63

Really?! REALLY?! That’s all you could come up with? On the fly I can name 20 other books that aren’t a 1,000 page piece of wacky non-sense meshugas about aliens mining for gold.

I was thinking about America’s two homemade religions and realized they’ve got a couple things in common, the first one being that both were created by a megalomaniac trolling for ass, and the second being space! Yeah, that’s right…mo’fuckin’ space, dogs. When you think of Scientology, you automatically think of Xenu and space wars and aliens. But what about the Mormons? Did you know that God lives on/near a planet called Kolob? Did you know that the reason the Mormons need to bone down with as many wives as possible is so that their big family can live on their own planet in the celestial afterlife? Did you know the creator of Battlestar Gallactica is a Mormon? It all makes so much sense…

Anywho, I’m sure tomorrow’s primary will prove once again that Florida shouldn’t be a part of this country. Oh, and for anyone who cares, the State Of The Union is on tonight. I can’t watch it, for I have other plans. I’ll give you a quick synopsis for the 98% of us who won’t watch:

Barry’s gonna hold up a boom box playing “In Your Eyes”, the democrats are gonna clap til their hands bleed, the republicans are gonna be texting each other things like “fuck this guy LOL” and “omg hilary is such a dyke”, John Boehner will be making a Grinch face the whole time, and Joe Biden will take a grandpa nap. There ya go. 


[Nice fucking work, I totally forgot about that shit. That’s suuuuper weird, huh!? I mean, the book has to be really wicked shitty, right? Like, unless you’re a waxso Sciti? So what the motherfuck? We’re totally getting a Peabody for you remembering this one. -Sethro]


"What do you mean by “reprogramming”, you like Christian/Sci-Ti weirdo?"


-Jonathan on the following statement from I Am Legend star Will Smith

"Even Hitler didn’t wake up going ‘Let me do the most evil thing I can do today.’ I think he woke in the morning and using a twisted backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was good. Stuff like that just needs reprogramming."


Umm, what’s up Nation? As we all know, Scientology plagues L.A. with it’s lunacy and unfathomable star power. Did you know Beck is a Scientologist? Yeah, that made me sad too. Here’s a complete list of celeb SciTi’s in case you’re wondering: Would you like an audit today? . I’m not saying Scientology killed Jeff Conaway, but I’m sure it didn’t help

Out here in Chicago, I’ve yet to meet a SciTi, but we do have a janky ass Church of Scientology that I’m nervous to walk past because last time I did, there was a crazy looking dude wearing a cheap leather jacket and a kangol hat, smoking a cigarette so hard it was like he was angry at it. Is that good for your OT Levels?

Seth and Jah have talked about Scientology several times on the show, and I thought I’d write a retelling of the time Seth went through a tour museum about the evils of psychiatry:

Seth Visits The Scientology/Psychiatry Museum

Episode 61 

Seth was driving down Sunset when he saw The Council of Citizens of Human Rights building, an organization started by Scientology to expose psychiatry as a dangerous scam. While driving past it, Seth saw a sign that said: 

“Psychiatry kills. Free museum tours.” 

Seth put the Sundance in reverse, walked in, and played Mickey the Dunce in order to get the full museum experience. His tour guide was an Australian with his hair parted down the middle. While retelling this tale, Seth admits to Jah that the Australian/New Zealand accent scares him general, but also has a power over him, therefore Seth journeyed on, all the while cloaking his prejudice against SciTi wackness.

Aussie SciTi: Do you know anything about us?

Seth: No, I know nothing about you but I’m interested to learn. 

A hot-but-not-hot female tour guide in a tight blouse gave him a Bose headset that you wear around your neck to control the audio throughout the tour. Clearly, she was a ploy to further draw people in with her sort-of hotness.

She and the Australian lead Seth to the museum entrance where there was a Dante quote on a heavy dungeon door emblazoned with flames.

Seth: That’s kind of scary

Aussie SciTi: Yeah. It is. Psychiatry is scary.

Seth: (In his head) No, the door dick.

SciTi’s: Come with me…

Seth was then brought into a room that was a replica of a white padded cell with a video screen on the wall. Seth almost called his own house to leave a message on the voicemail to let everyone know where he went in case the Scientologists murdered him.   

He was shown a short movie, lead through another heavy door into a dungeon recreating British 19th century psychiatric bedlam, and then into a Nazi concentration camp dealing with eugenics, Hitler, and B.F. Skinner.

But it was so high tech and awesome that it was hard not think that The Council of Citizens of Human Rights was the best museum ever. There were flat screen plasmas that showed you movies if you pressed a play button on the screen and if you moved too far away from them, the sound in your headphones dropped out. 

Then Seth was an African American dealing with racism; but wait, then he was getting electroshock therapy because he was in the hospital ward; he was all alone going through a metal detector because now he was in a classroom at Columbine High School. Each room got crazier and crazier. 

90 minutes later and with the whole museum to himself, Seth was sweating, weeping, shaking, walking from room to room, doubling back, and being greeted by the tour guides with “Hello’s” “Watch this.” “Read this.” “Sit down here.” 

The scariest thing ended up being that “it’s over.” Now it’s assumed that Seth is on full surveillance for life. They already have his license plate number off The Dance that was in the parking lot whole time and he wrote “Professional Podcaster” when he filled out the necessary paperwork to be granted access to the museum, so of course the tour guide is listening and now he now knows everything. Seth is done for.  

Another gem from the vault of The SciTi-Files


[Hey, this is Sethro. Help me welcome another writer to the team, Caitlin. Welcome aboard, Caitlin. BTW, I’m just adding this so everyone stops blaming me for breaking their hearts with the Beck news. I know guys. It’s like finding out about Santa Claus. You’ll heal in time. Trust. UYD4L.]