UYD for Life

Jonathan Lee Riches ©: Kanye, Kim Kardashian Sued For Al Qaeda Ties

jonathanleeriches:

From our WTF News desk: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have been sued for their alleged ties to Al-Qaeda.

“Alleged” is the operative adjective here, especially when discussing the plaintiff, one Jonathan Lee Riches. He’s the Guiness World Record holder as “The World’s Most Litigious Man,” filing over 5,000 suits in the past eight years.

The reason behind this latest suit? All American citizens are in eminent danger of the defendants. Take it way, Mr. Riches: “On 6/17/2012 I was in West Virginia, deep in the hills and I stumbled upon the defendants who were all at a Al-Qaeda secret training camp.” He then went on to claim that Kanye and Kim pleaded their allegiance to Al-Qaeda, burned the U.S. flag and stomped their feet on Barack Obama’s picture, performed a concert for all Al-Qaeda members, and shot AK-47s in the air. Better hire your own lawyer, Kanye and Kim, ‘cause this case is airtight.

Though in all seriousness, what should Mr. Riches’s next suit be? We’re all in danger of Chris Brown and Drake’s respective crews? Coldplay’s plot to reanimate Lenin and Stalin? Getting haircuts like Skrillex? As always, Prefix’s WTF News desk waits with bated breath.

• Sethro: What have you been up to this week?
• Jonathan Lee Riches: ...drinking lots of Diet Dr. Pepper.
• Seth Romatelli: **sitting on the couch in LA, feels his heart swell but doesn't know why. (It's the singularity, that's why.)**

zimmerman

AND WE HAVE OUR FIRST SUBMISSION IN THE CONTEST!!! THAT’S RIGHT, FROM ONE MR. JONATHAN LEE RICHES, ESQ.!

This dude’s on top of his game; where are all you fuckers at? Not filing 2,000 hilarious lawsuits, that’s for sure, so I don’t wanna hear it! Send in a photo of yourself holding a sign that says UYD4Life (seatbelts, we love uyd—whatever!) and we’ll reward you.

So here’s what you do since you seem confused (as our inbox isn’t yet flooded): make a sign saying UYD4Life, go into the bathroom, squinch your lips up in a duck-like fashion, flash some deuces (or TWIIINS), and click that camera button on your phone. Look, a million seventh graders do it everyday, it can’t be that hard. (wanky?) Then send it in, where we’ll post it with whatever text you want. (Within reason. Looking around…Uhh, we’re gonna need to get someone reasonable in here, guys.)

I’ll do one, too. Also, this means I’ll make a UYD Hanky to show y’all. 

-Sethro, fo’ sho

P.S. CAN YOU BELIEVE JLR IS SUCH A PAL?!?!  

Inspired by our new buddy JLR(ctrl+g is bullshit), for this week ONLY (cause I’m so hard; I always stick to my word about these things): Send in a pic of yourself holding up a UYD4L sign and we’ll post it and advertise your blog to all your fellow Lifers. (And our one squillion visitors and fans who aren’t on Tumblr. What, you didn’t know? We’re real big tymas…)

Then, we’ll work on gettin them together to send to the studio. Like a yearbook of UYD Nation. It’ll give the boys a little pick-me-up and remind them that we care. OK? Submit here, at @uyd4life on twitter (yes you, Rob, our most faithful tweeter), and at UYD4life@gmail.com.

*Bonus if you’re wearing UYDuds/babysofts/otherwise representing the nation. 

*Bonus for multiple fans in one pic.

*Bonus for creative entries, poses, locales, photoshopping. 

*Bonus points for saying nice things in your submish about the boys or (Caitlin inserted this part, I sw’ar.) including something about our blog. [Ahem, the address, in case you’re wondering, is http://uyd4l.tumblr.com. What? Only God can judge me, as my HoloPac Shakur and my dope back tattoo clearly state. WHAT, CAN’T YOU READ, DUMMIES? Oh you can’t see me? Oh, that’s not me? Oh, it says “Only God can Gudge Me”? Fuck it.]

I will be considering this a giftable challenge, so if I think you do a super duper job, there will be cards. I MAY even decide to make the UYD4L logo screenprinted hankies I back-burnered when we switched steezes (half-pannyed) on the ides of March. (Yes, twas gratifyingly poetic.)

ANYWAY, CAN YOU IMAGINE? UYD HANKY CODE HANKIES!?? And you can frame them (in the unlikely event that you don’t actually abide by the hanky code daily. Or use them as hankies if you want to wipe down after the boys make you laugh till you have all sorts of bodily fluids flowing. Ew. But seriously, it would be a dream if someone used one of our UYD hankies to wipe the tears of laughter from their eyes.) Here’s a deal: I’ll make one to show you as soon as we get our first submission. 

UYD4Life

My Loves, My Lifers:

I was just reading some of Jonathan Lee Riches’ prison documentation from his time in solitary confinement. Let me just say that it is some fucked up shit. Basically, the prison put him in solitary for a year and gave him other punishments that were disproportionate to his behavior because of his Lawsuit Factory. 

(BTW, he told us he loved this graphic. Caitlin wins the photoshop contest forevermore.)

In response, he went on hunger strike. It was no joke, either. His suits may be hilarious, but he fought hard to be able to keep writing them. More as we get the OK from our favorite newly-freed litigant to post more of his documents. 

Sethro

[It’s quite easy…Ctrl G and you’ve got yourself a dope ass © sign. -Caitlin]

{Hmm, like this? Caitlin Sethro Cooper Pryce—-Well, shit, it didn’t work. My find something bar came up instead. So goes another misadventure with me and the uhnuhhnet. DOUBLESHIT, I really want/need to copyright “Uhnuhhnet” and I can’t!

“It’s quite easy! Tee hee, just so simple, giggle, lol! Anyone can do it, silly!”

You’re showboating, Caitlin, and I can’t/won’t allow it.}

[Do you have a PC? Because I only know Mac shit. Because they’re cooler. J/k. They’re overpriced pieces of shit but it’s been too long since I’ve used a PC (an Acer…say what?!?) and I’d rather keep my life easy than re-learn that PC shits. Also, there’s thing called google…]

First, JLR on the above image of him: “in a few days i will dye my beard all black and the public in Philly will think im a muslim terrorist.”** We here at UYD4Life fully support that decision, Jonathan. Send photos. 

On another tip (wnky), Jonathan Lee writes us about his time in solitary and sent copies of his prison reports. He says, “Post it as it is, my life is a open book. That’s the tip of the iceberg with documents. I had a whole back seat of legal work I brought back with me. [Yes,] I am familiar with Bobby Sands—at the time of my hunger strike they were setting up teleconferences with shrinks in Springfield, Missouri and the chief doctor there said I was making a political statement like Sands, etc. You will be getting tons more documents…”

We can’t wait. I know this one post is pretty heavy, but I just wanted to put it up to show HOW DEDICATED THIS DUDE IS TO BEING HILARIOUS. 

Evil Prison Overlords: “Solitairy or hilarious fuckery?”

JLR: “HILARIOUS FUCKERY, please. And I won’t eat until you guys laugh.”

Ok, well, that’s not exactly verbatim, but JLR is clearly deeply committed to fighting the system through jokes, and this document shows the level of his resistance to the prison’s attempts to get him to stop flooding the system with his oh-so-clever suits. 

More funny stuff later, promise.

**Follow him on Facebook for more suchlike and other hilarity.

Hey guys. I can’t tell you how ecstatic I am that JLR© has reached out to us so we can cross promote each other. I know when it comes to Mr. Riches, people in UYD Nation are both thirsty for news and worried they’ll get sued. FEAR NOT! As JLR© ambassadors, Sethro and I are as cool as cucumbers with him and therefore UYD. He asked us to post up his latest law suit against Jon and Kate Gosselin. 

If you have a hard time reading it, it’s as follows (I’ve corrected grammatical/spelling errors because, well, that’s the only thing my English degree is good for). 

Notice of appeal in the dismissal of this case

I, Jonathan Lee Riches appeal this case. Jon Gosselin harasses me every Monday at the Levi’s outlet in Reading, PA. Kate Gosselin stole my credit card to buy hair dye and stole my identity to get breast enlargements. I’m in danger. The Gosselin kids are tearing up my yard, put their hands in my cookie jar, and Kate Gosselin writes negative blogs on me on facebook. Kate  Gosselin is a convicted felon for shoplifting with Wynona Ryder. I’m so scared of the Gosselins that I’m hiding somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains. I’m a nervous wreck. I’m afraid that if I get a girl pregnant, she will have octomoms, which will put me in debt because I’m Greek. Jon Gosselin was an extra in the movie Big Trouble In Little China. I appeal.

What a great way to kick off litigation on the outside. I encourage ALL OF YOU to subscribe to JLR© on facebook as he wants to garner more attention and gain a lot of fans (WHICH YOU ARE). 

His facebook page is here: Gino Romano. As of now, he has 12 subscribers. Let’s bump that number UP!

-Caitlin 

“…which will put me in debt because I’m Greek.” Topical. Pure genius. We will have more coming for you all from JLR on the reg. Although, come to think of it, he is suing Kate here in part for talking shit on her blog…Hmmmm… -Sethro Danger Matelli

Here’s just a little teaser for y’all. I wanted to protect JLR©’s handle/email address so he doesn’t get his inbox flooded with y’all devoted fans, but if you have anything you’d like to ask him or request of him, he’s on board with starting a JLRUYD© relationship. So send us an email at uyd4life@gmail.com and we’ll get on it lickety split. 

He has told me that he plans on bombarding the legal system with more lawsuits. He means business and I for one am fuckin’ stoked about it. 

I think one of THE BEST things about our email exchanges is that his avatar is this:

Like, how super fresh is that? LONG LIVE JLR©!

Hey Lifers!

Long time no write for Caitlin, I know. But this news is so exciting and monumental that I had to yell it from the proverbial rooftops. 

As we all know, Jonathan Lee Riches© has been an ongoing subject of discussion on both the podcast and our humble site, so I wanted to share with all of you that JLR© has reached out to Sethro and I via email to express his enjoyment of the posts in which he is the subject. 

I’m sorry to be shady, but I don’t want reveal too many details about this pivotal news. However, I can say that this is 100% legit. At first, Sethro and I didn’t know what to do. Was this really J-Riche$©? Should we reply? Be still my beating heart! We were able to verify through some r’search and we’re both in agreement that we’re embarking on a new and wonderful journey here at UYD4L. 

In celebration, I mass posted all of our JLR© related posts so everyone can freshen up on his legacy of undermining the industrial prison complex. 

Seatbelts and be cool about fire safety,

Caitlin 

This is how I feel right now. 

UYD for Life: The Wonderful World of Jonathan Lee Riches

uyd4l:

It goes with out saying that Jonathan Lee Riches is THE BEST dude ever. Everything this man does is genius and (hold on to your butts) HE’S GETTING OUT OF JAIL SOON!! Yes, our favorite convict is projected to be released March 23, 2012.

If you don’t know who J-Riche$ is, SHAME ON YOU. I forgive you, though - not all of us are obsessed with peed-ophiles and inmates convicted of fraud. I don’t actively hope that the formerly incarcerated go back to prison, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this is another Phillip Morris sitch and JLR will commit fraud again so we can be amused by his incessant filing of lawsuits. Since 2006, he’s filed more than a thousand lawsuits. 

Let’s travel back toEpisode 83 when ’Ol Johnny came on the spot with Seth giving us a taste of JLR ‘suits:

—

Seth: [Jonathan Lee Riches] filed one this summer in July against Michael Vick. He claims Michael Vick stole his pit bulls and then fought them for profit to buy arms for the Iranian government after Michael Vick pledged his allegiance to Al Queda. He was paid 63 million dollars in gold and silver, was Michael Vick. In August, he sued Barry Bonds for 42 million dollars in Swiss francs claiming that he used his baseball bat to crack the Liberty Bell. Just this week he sued Jeff Gordon, Nascar driver, for “recklessly driving my life crazy.” He also accused Jeff Gordon of having a secret trap door in his race car that he dropped Tic-Tacs out on to the race track to screw up the other drivers. That’s inmate number 40948018.

Jonathan: This dude is awesome.  

—

[cAside: If this dude wasn’t so clearly nuts (or is he? Maybe he’s just really funny), I’m pretty sure I would have been signing my name Caitlin Riches by now because we would have had a prison marriage last year. Like Seth and Jah, I hope this guy sues me. I mean, look what I did to his face! It’s on Gene Wilder’s body! He HAS to sue me at this point because I definitely violated his civil rights.]

[I’m going on the record as saying 1. He’s clearly a super genius, like I really, honestly think so 2. So marriagable. Congrats, Mrs. Riches 3. Hilarious and 4. I think he’s definitely self-aware, even if a bit cray, and thus extry awesome. We love you JLR. Want to write for UYD4L? You can contact us at… -Sethro]

-cs

[Hey y’all…This was my very first JLR© post and although it seems like forever ago, I can’t help but grin while thinking about the fact that it wasn’t that long ago and because of the silly work I put into these posts, JLR© has actually reached out to us. None of this would have happened if it weren’t for Sethro, the hard work she put into this site, and of course ALL Y’ALL LIFERS for liking this blog enough that JLR© somehow got his eyes on it. I want to sincerely thank Sethro and all of you for supporting this quest. I hope a lot of great stuff comes out of this. -Caitlin]

(via pinthetailonthehonky)